Damn If I Do, Damn If I Dont

 DAMN IF I DO, DAMN IF I DON'T!!!

"Whenever we try to change or grow a greater life we encounter our inner limitations as well as outer obstacles; both can be seen as the inevitable presence of fate in our lives." --Fate and Destiny, Michael Meade

Carlos
The conflicting suffering of Oedipus's inherent fate robbed him of the blessings of life. He lived connected to a prophecy he couldn't escape, and in his foolish attempts to outrun himself, led him right into it. His insatiable desire to learn the truth of his parents became the burden of his man made hell. Oedipus was a remarkable and respected man in the city in which he lived (page 45.), he was loved unconditionally by those who chose to give him a home and raise him as their own. But that wasn't enough for him because the whistling screams of his orphanage grew to unbelievable heights, and in response, he sought out on a journey to destroy himself.

Trauma led Oedipus to murder (internal death of himself); incest (filthiness of thoughts and base desires); arrogance (foolishness of pride) and contempt (disregard for all that is/was good within). He was oblivious to what he had done because he never sought the names of the individuals (mental, physical, and spiritual attributes) he had killed/was killing). The lack of those individual connections hindered his progress. In other words, he was malnourished and that impeded his ability to develop properly. Knowing and being aware of those essentials could have saved him from further humiliation and tragedy.

Upon his arrival in the city of Thebes (intimate soul searching) and answering the riddler and winning the praise of the people, he became more entrenched in his ignorance. He was boastful so he lost sight of himself and of those who had loved and raised him. His blindness made it easier for him to fall in love with that in which wasn't healthy. His egregious appetite produced an infallible love or desire that couldn't possibly be sustained. He was internally blind, and that blindness was rooted in pain, which produced more pain, so his destruction was inevitable.

"Our personal mythology is populated by heroes and villains, angels and demons, kings and commoners. We create an entire population in our mind, including multiple personalities for ourselves." --The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz

Oedipus was a kind man (his parents taught him that) to his people despite the richness of his flaws. When they (he) laid their (his) troubles at his feet (internal battle of self), he said "I would be insensitive to pain, if I felt no pity for my people (myself) seated here." (page 6.) That was merely a colloquy because he continued to seek external powers of the gods in which he believed. He was impractical, selfish, bitter and prideful at times, but there were signs when he truly wanted to alleviate the suffering of the people (himself) by any means.

When Tiresias said, "Wisdom is a dreadful thing when it brings no profit to its possessor." (page 19.) In my opinion, he was saying that knowing the nature of a thing could harm more than not knowing. He wanted to dissuade Oedipus from seeking the answer to certain questions, but that wasn't Oedipus's nature. It is my understanding from reading this book twice that Oedipus had many facets of himself he refused to heed. Many missed opportunities of self discovery and empowerment he needed to learn, embrace, and discard what didn't fit or made sense.

Those things needed to be taught and brought out by those with wisdom and experience. His mental and spiritual dysfunctions needed a mentor that could connect the missing dots to his inception. I saw from the very beginning of his journey, that he lacked self love and belief in himself. When the community (inner demons) was taunting him for not being good enough, he was suppose to dig deeper within himself and measure their (his) nature against the reality in which he lived at that very time. He was unhappy due to unresolved trauma, and when something is unresolved, those parts tend to hinder us in some form or fashion.


This story reminds me a lot about myself and the unsure nature I had growing up. The trauma I suffered as a result of physical abuse led to me jumping off the ledge many times in my life. I was never the same after that experience. I fought everyday, I rebelled against my mother, the school system, and anyone I saw fit regardless of the consequences. I developed the consciousness that nobody would ever hurt me again, but that mind set allowed me to hurt others which is why I am in prison. Selling drugs and robbing people became normal for me because of the disregarded pain I carried within. When I came to prison and started processing my trauma, I found compassion and kindness in unlikely places. I was able to heal because I chose to stop running, but I too was blinded like Oedipus, so I understand how you can intentionally hurt yourself and others by the choices you make. But the fact that his heart continues to beat, says that his life and mine still have purpose because time continues to exist for us to make better decisions.

THE END