THE RELEVANCE AND IMPORTANCE OF MY STORY.

From my arrest, prosecution and prison sentence, no one has ever asked to hear my story. Not where I came from, not what happened in my childhood that tore the fabric of my being, and not what caused me to choose crime instead of education. None of those questions were asked. No one ever desired to know the mitigating circumstances that landed me in prison! All that mattered to the police officer, prosecutor, court appointed attorney, judge and the jury was: "He committed this crime and we will punish him for it."

From the beginning to the end of the judicial process, they never saw a dysfunctional teen, a teen who experienced sexual assault as a seven/eight year old child, a teen who hated seeing his single mother struggle to give him the essentials to have a meaningful life, a teen who had never met his father, and lastly, they never saw an inadequate teen who was incapable of being a father to his only child. No, they never saw any of those things when they looked upon me, all they saw was an 18 year old BLACK criminal who needed to be punished for having the audacity to break THEIR laws.

Bryan Stevenson once said: "I am more than the worst things I have ever done," but as a pain filled teenager, I did not know how to articulate that thirty one years ago. But remembering the judicial process I experienced at 18, no one ever came to my trial and spoke about me being more than what I actually was in that moment, a criminal. No one stood up and defended me when all kinds of nasty and erroneous things were being said. No one said I was a son, father, friend, or a decent human being. In that courtroom I was alone and that made me feel like the psychopath they were calling me.

My mind couldn't cope with what was going on around me, so I escaped into the hidden valley of my mind as I did when I was a kid being sexually assaulted. I mentally ran as far away as I could. I was so despondent in the courtroom that I returned the victim's families hard stares with smiles, winks, and obscene gestures. I had nothing else to give? No one cared about me being physically and emotionally abused when I was a kid, and no one cared about what I was going through in the courtroom, so why should I care about anyone?

I was a victim long before I ever victimized anyone else, but you wouldn't know that by merely measuring my surface. Although I am not attempting to use that as a rationale for the things I have done wrong in my life, but my trauma affected me in a way that changed how I saw the world. I was no longer this happy-go-lucky kid, I became repressed, angry and very bitter about what happened to me starting at age seven. Every day since those moments, I have suffered nonstop and nothing has ever been the same in my life.

School, enjoyments, or life in general was unpleasant for me. I wanted to die many times but I didn't have the courage to do it myself. So I placed myself in volatile situations with the hopes that somebody else would do it. I couldn't get over the abuse because it followed me wherever I went. Not only was I afraid to share it, but I was afraid that the perpetrator would do the same thing to somebody else I loved and I couldn't live with that so I remained silent. I never felt safe in my life and I never let anyone get close enough to see the real me.

As a teenager, I felt like my life was defined by those horrible moments I experienced as a child and no matter how much alcohol and marijuana I consumed, I couldn't shake it. I never told people the truth about why I started drinking and smoking pot at an early age, I lied because it was easier than the truth. Plus, where I come from, there was no relief, no outlet and definitely no mental health provider to help me with my trauma and pain. I was alone, and for most of my life, I have always felt alone.

WHY NOW?

Because I am tired of feeling the shame of that tragedy. I have felt ashamed and afraid for so many years and I am tired of feeling this way. Plus, I was in my thirties before I ever revealed my trauma to anyone. My mother and sister were the only people who knew, and that was very emotional and scary especially for a mom who love me so much. I recently told my fiancée two years ago, and now I am telling you at age 49. My reason is death! I don't want to leave this earth before showing the truth of who I was. I want people to know what I experienced so that maybe they will understand what happened to me and not judge me so harshly for my poor choices.

It took a great deal of fortitude for me to share this story with you. As a man, I was afraid that people would ridicule and make fun of me if they knew what I went through as a kid. That fear forced me to keep hidden the abuse I experienced so many years ago. But my courage and fear of death wasn't the only thing that helped me tell you this story, Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry's book, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" was very instrumental in helping me excavate my trauma and honesty deal with it. From reading the book they showed me that I wasn't alone, and I had nothing to be ashamed of because I was a child. I have read this book at least four times, and each time I gain something different from it.

My story is important for any person that has survived this level of trauma and is afraid to either share it, or live their lives above it. My healing has allowed me to become humane in a way that I am regretful and remorseful for my poor choices in the past. My previous pain prevented me from understanding the depth of hurt that I've caused in the lives of not just the victims of my crimes, but my family as well. I am not the same person that came to prison at 18, I am constantly growing into greater versions of myself so that I will never again treat people inhumanely.

I am genuinely sorry to the victims of my crimes and my family for my actions, and I would say that because I do feel that way, but I know sorry doesn't begin to console the pain you've been carrying for so many years. So instead of sorry, I will say that I promise to be better going forward in my life, I promise to treat people the way I should have treated you, and lastly, I promise to live my life educating people on the importance of speaking out on mental trauma, seeking therapy as I have, and crime prevention. You did not deserve my disrespect in the courtroom, you deserved my humility and remorsefulness and I truly dislike the fact that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to give those things to you.

In closing, I truly believe that we need to work to find out what happened to a person before we judge and condemn them by one or two bad acts. I have been in prison for 31 years and today is the first time in my entire life where I am being completely honest with who I am and what I have lived through. For me to be vulnerable in this moment with you is a testament to how far I am wiling to travel to be more than the worst things I have ever done, or has ever been done to me. Thank you for reading the story of my life to date, now you know me!

Carlos