PRISON TOOK MY FREEDOM...REGRETS CHANGED MY LIFE!
To know that I regret the things I done wrong in my life shows that I have grown considerably in all the years I've spent in prison. I use to make unintelligent comments such as: "I have no regrets because everything happens for a reason; I can't regret because those things taught me something; or to regret is to deny the existence of my purpose." Wow! Even hearing those stupid ass comments today turns my stomach and put a bad taste in my mouth because they show how ignorant and infantile my thinking actually was back then.
For so long I had no clue of the impact my actions had on other people, plus I was so desensitized after experiencing so much hardship in my life that I was oblivious to the feelings of empathy and compassion. I was driven by this insatiable need of defiance whereas I couldn't even care enough to regret my poor choices. I wasn't cognizant in my youth, and my lack of intelligence led to some painful regrets in my life.One of those regrets came early on in my teenage years from my auntie Emma, (Rest in Peace Auntie) when they were building a prison close to her home. She told me that if I didn't straighten my life up that I would eventually be in that prison. I said no way, I will never be locked up. So she said, "I guess you are going to make some changes in your life huh?" I had this puzzling look on my face because in truth, I felt like I was good with who I was and didn't need to make any changes. Nevertheless, because of my unwillingness to heed her words, prison became my destination due to my fool hearted way of thinking.
I was staying with my auntie at that time in my life and it was all good because she was laid back and basically let me do whatever I wanted. But when I started breaking into her neighbours cars and houses, she told me that I had to go. She put me out because she thought my bad choices would influence her sons, my aunt had no ideal that her sons were just like me. We did everything together. Anyway, when she put me out, most times I had nowhere to go!
Some nights I slept at my girlfriends house, in my aunties garage and when it was too cold out, my cousins would sneak me into the house. I couldn't go through the front door because my aunt gave her bedroom up to her little children and chose to sleep on the couch bed in the living room. You couldn't turn the front door knob without waking her up, she was a very light sleeper. Sometimes I was able to come through the back door and make it upstairs, other times my cousins used a rope to pull me up and into the second story window.
I was very close with her sons, we were like brothers so they did everything in their power to help me even if that meant breaking her rules. Despite being kicked out of her home, my aunt loved me and was merely trying to use tough love to inspire me to be better. I didn't understand her vision and actions towards me back then, but when I dug into the storage of treasures I held sacred in my mind, I came to see that my aunt loved me immeasurably and only wanted for me to realize that I could be so much more than I was choosing to be. I regret not taking heed to her words because everything she said would happen, came into fruition.
When I went to Ryan Correctional Facility in 2006, (the very prison she said I would be in) my aunt words were with me. I heard her as clear as day. It felt like as soon as I walked into that particular prison, I heard her, "I told you so!" The words weren't condescending or evil, but a reminder to show that I picked the wrong path in life. My circumstances showed that I was exactly where she said I would end up.
When I spoke to her on the phone, I asked her if she remembered that conversation? She told me that she did, but she went on to say that she wished she was wrong all those years ago because she truly never wanted me to end up in prison. When she heard that I was going to prison, she prayed for my safety and asked God to have mercy on me and change me into a better man. I knew in that moment that she loved me deeply and always wanted the best for me. I am grateful to still have enough life inside of me to appreciate the wisdom that my aunt gave me so long ago. She tried saving my life when I was a teenager, but I was not ready for my life to be saved.
Although I had changed and was a better man when I spoke to her in 2006, I deeply regret disregarding her wisdom back then, but even more than that, I regret that I'll never be able to put my arms around her and thank her for loving and caring for me. I will never get the chance to tell her how much I love her, and how grateful I was to have her in my life. My heart ache when I think that my aunt is gone and I will never be able to see her smile again. Her death was really hard on me because I was unprepared. I regret the years I went without calling and sharing my feelings and growth with her. I can only assume now that she knew how much she meant to me, but it's hard to be certain because I didn't say it enough.
I regret that I took time for granted and lost her before she saw the force that I had become. I wish she could see me now, to know that I am everything she thought I could be. Although she is gone, I find myself from time to time having conversations with her, seeking her opinion about different subject matters. She continues to hold a special place inside of me, and as I share this story with you, she shall live inside of your heart as well.
When I went to Ryan Correctional Facility in 2006, (the very prison she said I would be in) my aunt words were with me. I heard her as clear as day. It felt like as soon as I walked into that particular prison, I heard her, "I told you so!" The words weren't condescending or evil, but a reminder to show that I picked the wrong path in life. My circumstances showed that I was exactly where she said I would end up.
When I spoke to her on the phone, I asked her if she remembered that conversation? She told me that she did, but she went on to say that she wished she was wrong all those years ago because she truly never wanted me to end up in prison. When she heard that I was going to prison, she prayed for my safety and asked God to have mercy on me and change me into a better man. I knew in that moment that she loved me deeply and always wanted the best for me. I am grateful to still have enough life inside of me to appreciate the wisdom that my aunt gave me so long ago. She tried saving my life when I was a teenager, but I was not ready for my life to be saved.
Although I had changed and was a better man when I spoke to her in 2006, I deeply regret disregarding her wisdom back then, but even more than that, I regret that I'll never be able to put my arms around her and thank her for loving and caring for me. I will never get the chance to tell her how much I love her, and how grateful I was to have her in my life. My heart ache when I think that my aunt is gone and I will never be able to see her smile again. Her death was really hard on me because I was unprepared. I regret the years I went without calling and sharing my feelings and growth with her. I can only assume now that she knew how much she meant to me, but it's hard to be certain because I didn't say it enough.
I regret that I took time for granted and lost her before she saw the force that I had become. I wish she could see me now, to know that I am everything she thought I could be. Although she is gone, I find myself from time to time having conversations with her, seeking her opinion about different subject matters. She continues to hold a special place inside of me, and as I share this story with you, she shall live inside of your heart as well.
Another regret that had a significant impact on me becoming a greater man was not being a father to my only son Gregory. I regret not being there to love and raise him as a father should, to guide and teach him decency, right conduct and manhood. I possessed none of those attributes at 17 when he was born, so it was impossible for me to give him something that I never had myself.
I was in prison before having the opportunity to make the kind of sacrifices every parent should make when it comes to the unconditional love of their children. I knew that kind of sacrifice because my mother made them time and time again for me and my siblings. I didn't have the readiness to give my son those essentials which is why I abandoned him when he was born.
I did not know how to deny myself for the prosperity and happiness of my son. I did not know how to put him first when I needed so much myself. I did not know how to get over my own hurt and pain so I could love him like he was worthy of being loved. I regret not being mature enough to appreciate and value the beauty and significance of his life. Today, I love my son more than anything else on the planet, but this wasn't always the case. And I regret that it took prison for me to reach that conclusion.
Being responsible for his precious life should have been enough to compel me to become a greater human being, but it did the opposite. His birth brought all of my flaws and insecurities to the surface and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough to be in his life because of my poor decision making. I thought that I couldn't be the kind of father he needed because I lacked the ingredients of what fatherhood actually meant. Plus, my apprehension due to the absence of my father was severe and hard to disregard and get over. I just felt like my son deserved better than me, and that thinking made it easy for me to walk away from him and his mother.
I regret that decision to the fullest because it was my responsibility to prevent my son from feeling the kind of pain and dissatisfactions I experienced in my life as the result of my absentee father. So knowing that I am the cause of his pain and dissatisfaction hurts like hell. I am not over it in the sense whereas I stop blaming myself for not being in his life, his pain still bothers me today and I find myself trying to relieve it every time I hear it in his voice. After 30 years of being in prison, abandoning my son has been my greatest regret
I also regret not being a good son, a good brother, a good friend and an overall good human being. I regret the actions I took that led me to prison, I regret the hurt I caused to the families of my crimes, and I regret the suffering they are enduring because of me. My transformation into a better human being is not without a great deal of pain and sorrow. My growth doesn't make what I done to those families any less real for them, they continue to be affected by my actions and that bothers me deeply.
I was in prison before having the opportunity to make the kind of sacrifices every parent should make when it comes to the unconditional love of their children. I knew that kind of sacrifice because my mother made them time and time again for me and my siblings. I didn't have the readiness to give my son those essentials which is why I abandoned him when he was born.
I did not know how to deny myself for the prosperity and happiness of my son. I did not know how to put him first when I needed so much myself. I did not know how to get over my own hurt and pain so I could love him like he was worthy of being loved. I regret not being mature enough to appreciate and value the beauty and significance of his life. Today, I love my son more than anything else on the planet, but this wasn't always the case. And I regret that it took prison for me to reach that conclusion.
Being responsible for his precious life should have been enough to compel me to become a greater human being, but it did the opposite. His birth brought all of my flaws and insecurities to the surface and made me feel as though I wasn't good enough to be in his life because of my poor decision making. I thought that I couldn't be the kind of father he needed because I lacked the ingredients of what fatherhood actually meant. Plus, my apprehension due to the absence of my father was severe and hard to disregard and get over. I just felt like my son deserved better than me, and that thinking made it easy for me to walk away from him and his mother.
I regret that decision to the fullest because it was my responsibility to prevent my son from feeling the kind of pain and dissatisfactions I experienced in my life as the result of my absentee father. So knowing that I am the cause of his pain and dissatisfaction hurts like hell. I am not over it in the sense whereas I stop blaming myself for not being in his life, his pain still bothers me today and I find myself trying to relieve it every time I hear it in his voice. After 30 years of being in prison, abandoning my son has been my greatest regret
I also regret not being a good son, a good brother, a good friend and an overall good human being. I regret the actions I took that led me to prison, I regret the hurt I caused to the families of my crimes, and I regret the suffering they are enduring because of me. My transformation into a better human being is not without a great deal of pain and sorrow. My growth doesn't make what I done to those families any less real for them, they continue to be affected by my actions and that bothers me deeply.
Their pain hurts me to this day because developing my self love gave me the opportunity to see past my warped and subjective thinking, and into their pain and suffering which changed me in so many ways. When I was ignorant to love, I didn't care what happened to me, nor did I understand the magnitude of my feelings. I never cared about being forgiven, so my thoughts towards the families of my crimes were bitter and unchanging. Now that I have developed self love, became a greater version of myself and desire forgiveness, my thoughts towards the families of my crimes are humane and genuine. Although they may never forgive me, I continue to feel responsible for their suffering and I'll do and give anything just to take a little bit of it away from them.
I can imagine in some ways how they must feel, because I remember how I use to blame my absentee father for all the bad things that happened in my life. So I wouldn't expect anything different from the families of my crimes. Matter of fact, I welcome the blame because I understand what finality does to the psyche of a person that has lost a loved one. I have lost so many of my cousins to violence, so I can relate to losing someone that means the world to you. Although I was found not guilty of murder, I am still responsible because I should have never been there in the first place. I am apart of the hurt they have been carrying for 30 years and I do not take that lightly. I will never forget or disregard their pain, nor desire to blame and dislike me for the rest of their lives. I will work nonstop to be better going forward in my life so that I will never again reflect the kind of evil that hurt them to their core.
I am deeply sorry and genuinely remorseful to the families of my crimes, and I know that does very little for your pain, but it is the only thing I can give to show my penitence. Being regretful for the things I have done has changed me in unexplainable ways. I think differently, feel differently and I see differently. Everything about me has been transformed because I went to the root of myself so that I could begin to put myself back together in a humane and conscientious way. I developed my self love, self worth and wrote the core principles in which I stand by under all circumstances. I changed me and built myself in a beautiful way so that I would never blame my actions on someone else, I will stand in the light of my transformation and live based on the things I uncovered while tending to the stillness of my being.
I understand when you love yourself enormously, you find it hard and nearly impossible to intentionally hurt someone else. The malice is gone when you love yourself, and my self love today has eradicated all the malicious thoughts I once held so dear. In my youth, my lack of self love allowed me to make decisions without feeling that emotional connection to empathy, remorse and regret. Now that I understand the significance of those emotions, I am changed forever.
Carlos
I can imagine in some ways how they must feel, because I remember how I use to blame my absentee father for all the bad things that happened in my life. So I wouldn't expect anything different from the families of my crimes. Matter of fact, I welcome the blame because I understand what finality does to the psyche of a person that has lost a loved one. I have lost so many of my cousins to violence, so I can relate to losing someone that means the world to you. Although I was found not guilty of murder, I am still responsible because I should have never been there in the first place. I am apart of the hurt they have been carrying for 30 years and I do not take that lightly. I will never forget or disregard their pain, nor desire to blame and dislike me for the rest of their lives. I will work nonstop to be better going forward in my life so that I will never again reflect the kind of evil that hurt them to their core.
I am deeply sorry and genuinely remorseful to the families of my crimes, and I know that does very little for your pain, but it is the only thing I can give to show my penitence. Being regretful for the things I have done has changed me in unexplainable ways. I think differently, feel differently and I see differently. Everything about me has been transformed because I went to the root of myself so that I could begin to put myself back together in a humane and conscientious way. I developed my self love, self worth and wrote the core principles in which I stand by under all circumstances. I changed me and built myself in a beautiful way so that I would never blame my actions on someone else, I will stand in the light of my transformation and live based on the things I uncovered while tending to the stillness of my being.
I understand when you love yourself enormously, you find it hard and nearly impossible to intentionally hurt someone else. The malice is gone when you love yourself, and my self love today has eradicated all the malicious thoughts I once held so dear. In my youth, my lack of self love allowed me to make decisions without feeling that emotional connection to empathy, remorse and regret. Now that I understand the significance of those emotions, I am changed forever.
Carlos
Comments
Post a Comment