A Message to Inspire our Youth

This particular post was inspired by a good friend of mine, Eden Seiuli, who asked: 'What Do You Feel Was Missing In Your Life As A Youth That Made You Make Many Bad Decisions That Eventually Landed You In Prison?'

WHAT WAS MISSING?

My father's absence was the first thing I immediately noticed that upset me and made me feel unloved. So when I asked my mother and she told me that she didn't know where he was, I automatically thought I was the problem. I thought that I wasn't good enough to be loved by my father and that created a constant problem and sore spot in my life. My father's absence made me focus more on the negative that surrounded me and very little on the positive. Not only was my father not in my life, I was poor, I didn't have a consistent and loving male role model, I didn't know the value of myself, and I was insecure and very angry about all of those things.

I felt like there was no remedy for the dissatisfaction I felt as a child so I acted out and made everyone feel the pain I carried inside of myself. I felt like since my mother and those around me couldn't tell me why my father wasn't in my life, or why we were so poor, I kept everyone at a distance when it came to my emotional self. I had real self esteem problems due to the things I was missing so I compensated in other ways for that. I was eight years old when I started stealing out of the stores because I was hungry, and I got so good at it that I was doing it even when I wasn't hungry. Nothing satisfied me and I pushed that envelop all the way to my teenage years until I got arrested.

I was arrested at 15 for stealing a car, and my mother was allowed to come to the police station and bring me home. That didn't slow me down because that same day, I stole another car and this time my mother tried to come get me, but they refused to let me go and sent me to the youth home. I stayed there for a few weeks until my court hearing and I was released on probation. I would eventually go to the youth home five more times before I reached the prison system. I just didn't value my life enough to care about what happened to it. I was shot at 15, stabbed at 16 and both times I could have died, but still I didn't change. My son was born at 17 and I felt unworthy to be in his presence so I ran away and I was sent to prison at 18 where I have been for the last 30 years.

It took me a lot of years in prison before I could honestly deal with the real reason I made all of those poor choices in my youth. I once heard a saying: 'Hurt People, Hurt People!' It was in those words that I found the courage to deal with the truth of what brought me here to begin with. For many years I was in so much pain that I never actually dealt with that question, it never even registered to me to go beyond the surface to truly answer that question. It was easier to stay on the surface with others because I felt like they really didn't care anyway. So when people asked what brought me to prison I would always say, 'I sold drugs and robbed people and that's why I am in prison'. But honestly, it was much deeper than that. There were many different components that contributed to me being in prison, but my painful childhood memories wouldn't allow for me to address those components. But after many years or running and being afraid of dealing with what brought me to prison, I am now ready to share my pain with the hopes that I can inspire the youth to reach higher, to be stronger and to be more determined at being better in their youth then I was in mine.

WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO ME MAKING BAD DECISIONS IN MY YOUTH?

My father not being in the home broke my spirit as a kid and I never got over it. Growing up poor with no television, no washing machine or dryer, no name brand clothes or shoes, and sometimes canned goods and lunch meat was all we had for lunch or dinner. My conditions were dire and that produced a lot of pain and resentment inside of me as a kid. I got laughed at so much in elementary school that I would often do things to get sent home because I didn't want to be there. As an eight and nine year old kid living under those circumstances, my state of mind was not productive. I couldn't find any peace when I was a kid because I focused so much on all the negative that I disregarded all the positives I had around me.

Looking back retrospectively, had I appreciated the positives that were around me I would have made better decisions. Had I allowed my mother entrance into my pain I would have made better decisions. My family loved me despite the lack of our financial resources, they have always been there for me. I just never gave them the opportunity to help me with my pain. I feel like my life would be completely different if I allowed them entrance into my emotional state. Love is a powerful thing, but I let my pain cloud my heart and because of that, I was a victim to that very pain. Today, I live totally opposite to when I was a youth because despite being in prison, I do everything in my power to be productive and helpful so that my story will prevent you from allowing any circumstances to take away the joy of your youth. I wrote a curriculum that is designed to help you through difficult moments in your life, and I wrote it because I wish I would of had something like this in my youth. Don't be afraid to let the people who love you help you, this is what they are there for. Thank you for reading and please be looking for the curriculum in my next post...


Yours truly,

Carlos