I Love My Women

By Carlos King

I Love my women

 It took me a great number of years before I could actually say those words and have my whole heart back them up. I was so indecisive, selfish and ignorant in my thinking, that I actually thought everything was about me. I mean seriously, I had no real care and concern for myself so it was impossible for me to have care and concern for women or anyone for that matter. In my book, 'Pain is my Past, Love is my Future' I speak of how my ignorance and low self worth led to me making horrible choices when it came to women. But after years of reading, writing, researching and dealing with women inside and outside of prison, I have finally figured out that I am capable of not only truly loving a woman, but being completely honest and monogamous in my heart and my actions when it comes to her.

Now, I know what you are probably thinking, 'It is easy for me to say that about a woman while I am in prison dependant on her for essentials such as companionship, love, visits, phone calls, and sometimes money'. In truth, I need some of those things, but not at the expense of my integrity. I do not need a woman because I am trying to deceive and misuse her, I need her because I am trying to learn and love her in the most sincerest way. My every action towards a woman is reflective of genuine sentiment, kindness and regards for her betterment, and I will contribute all that I have in being the kind of man that values and appreciates the beauty and depth of the woman. I say this because for the first time in my life, incarcerated or not, I am completely honest with only one woman and it feels better than any lie that I've told and previously benefited from while dealing with women in my past. I wouldn't trade the honesty of my heart for anything on the planet because it took me too damn long to developed and fashion it into this beautiful and amazing thing that it represents today. I am now on the upward climb of my life and I never desire to mistreat a woman again. I deeply believe that she is one of greatest creatures that has ever been created.

I haven't always loved my woman, matter of fact and more times than not, I have never loved my woman. Before I ever reached the realization and conclusion that my woman mattered more than anything else, I hurt her more times then I would like to remember. That pain has stayed with me for the better part of my life in a way that nothing else had. No matter what I did I couldn't escape it, I couldn't have a productive relationship with anyone because of it. Each woman I met, I found myself lying, deceiving and giving only parts of myself which created an atmosphere of misery that permeated the air around me. I couldn't get it right because I was relying on deceptive tactics which hindered my ability to see beyond my own foolishness.

But once I denied myself by sacrificing what I wanted or felt like I needed with the purpose of women whom I hurt, I began to see and feel differently for their plight and their consistent suffering due to my irresponsibility. And in my transformation and insight, I didn't blame my actions or my ignorance on the fact that I wasn't taught how to properly treat or value a woman, I simply said that today I am of the mind set whereas I desire with a great deal of strength and courage to treat a woman just as I desire for myself to be treated, and in some cases, even better because it is my opinion, she is deserving of more than I could possibly give considering all the wrong I have done to her in my lifetime

Today, I am happily in love with a woman that has gained the totality and truth of my heart while enduring circumstances that she has never had to deal with. This amazing woman has sacrificed her physical desires of pleasure, the constant pleas from her family and friends, and her own hang ups and fears to embark on a journey with a man where the outcome was very uncertain to her. She was searching for a penpal with no strings attached where she could release all the pain she had accumulated in her life to. Someone with no connections or ties to her so that the information she shared would not come back to spit in her face. She was told that it was in her best interest to find such a person so that she could get rid of all the pain in her life and move on to better things.

I am the only man that she has ever dealt with in prison. Let me tell you how we met. Francine started searching WriteAprisoner for a penpal, she first went to the women section because she thought a female penpal would be better in terms of understanding and helping her because that was all she was looking for. But she said all the females were looking for a relationship so it wouldn't work. When she went to the men section and saw my picture and bio, she picked me because she liked what I had to say, plus she said I was handsome. Francine sent me a message, but it never made it to me, so she thought that maybe I had too many penpals and looked elsewhere because she was on a mission to find the right person to share her traumatic experience with.

I never knew Francine sent me a message, but as I was strolling through my inbox, I saw her name so I sent one out to her. When a couple of days past with no response, I didn't write again. But on the fourth day something told me to write so I sent her this poem I wrote called, 'I HAVE RISEN' and once I sent that to her, she instantly responded saying that poem had her in tears and that she had sent me three messages. I couldn't believe it, but as we started talking, the old messages started to appear and from there we started a correspondence that developed into a friendship. Here's that poem:

I HAVE RISEN

I HAVE RISEN FROM THE DEEPNESS OF MY SLEEP, BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO BE MORE THAN JUST THE PRISON NUMBER THAT THEY USE TO DEFINE ME, NO! I AM MORE... I AM NOT THE SAME 18 YEAR OLD, IMMATURE, SELFISH, DRUG DEALING, ROBBING AND STEALING, NICKEL SLICK HUSTLER, TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY BROTHERS, SISTERS, AND MOTHERS ALMOST 30 YEARS AGO, NO! I AM MORE.. I AM THE BROTHER THAT STAYED IN THE MUD UNTIL I ROSE AND SELF DISCOVERED, EDUCATED MY MIND WITH A TRUTH THAT WAS LIKE NO OTHER, FREE ALL THE POLITICAL PRISONERS SO WE MAY ENJOY THE PRESENCE OF OUR SONS AND OUR DAUGHTERS, FOUND EMPATHY FOR MY VICTIMS BECAUSE I KNOW THEY CONTINUE TO SUFFER, SOUGHT FORGIVENESS FROM A POWER MUCH GREATER THAN MY OWN BECAUSE I KNEW WE NEEDED EACH OTHER, YES! I HAVE RISEN... I HAVE CULTIVATED MY MIND BEYOND THE TRAGEDIES OF MY PAST BECAUSE I AM DRIVEN, I AM NO LONGER MISEDUCATED, INFLUENCED BY BAD BEHAVIOR, OR GEARED TOWARDS A DESTRUCTIVE END THAT DOESN'T REFLECT MY INHERENT NATURE, YES! I HAVE RISEN... I AM DEDICATED TO THE STRUGGLE, AND I'LL GIVE ALL I HAD (EVEN MY OWN LIFE) TO SAVE THE LIVES OF MY SISTERS AND MY BROTHERS, AND I STAND ON THIS AT THE APEX OF MY STRUCTURE, BECAUSE ALL I AM AND ALL I WILL EVER BE, IS TIED WITHIN THIS TRANSFORMATION THAT HAS MADE ME TOUGHER, YES! I HAVE RISEN...

Francine made her intentions clear and as did I, so we started a beautiful friendship, and as we got to know each other, we realized that we had so much in common. Over the course of our messaging, I built her self love and confidence, and she took away my fear of abandonment. We didn't start off to be in a relationship, but our fondness for each other grew and before we knew what was happening, we were in love and that was over a year ago. She has been the first woman in my life that I have ever been completely honest and faithful with. I haven't wrote or talked to any other woman since Francine. She has my full attention and my love for her is the greatest thing that I have ever spiritually or emotionally felt in my life. She is the one and my heart will forever belong to her.

I have realized that women are so amazing and I need to be better in all aspects. I am sorry to all the women that has hurt and suffered because of me, you truly deserved more than I could give. Thank you for reading and please share...

Very Truly Yours,

Carlos

#Ilovemywomen  #CarlosKing  #freedomismyremedy  #respectwomen

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